Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
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Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.