The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle