Still writing HBO Max on my checks
You Might Also Like
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Encore…
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
never ask a starfish for directions
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]