Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
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[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.