I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
You Might Also Like
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”