Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
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Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.