Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
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My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I feel seen
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted