My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
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A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?