I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
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Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~