Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
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*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
i think we should see other cousins
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops