Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
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Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
This is my brand.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I’ll be mad as hell!
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
no one ever comes back
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first