Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
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british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.