[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
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Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
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stoprilla
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tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.