[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
You Might Also Like
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Happy Friday
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for