Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
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Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
consequences, the bane of my existence
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.