I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
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I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Pizza is an emotion right?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Me in tagged photos
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”