Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
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Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Name another movie that mislead you?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*