Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
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[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Only short people can save us
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
The best shot in the history of golf
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…