I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
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[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Me when someone tries to get to know me
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.