When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
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Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Found my door mat
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.