COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
You Might Also Like
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are