*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
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*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I have so many questions.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*