Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
You Might Also Like
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.