West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty