Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
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A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.