I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
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How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.