Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
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[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.