astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
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Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
grotesque if literal: baby food
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
*sewing*
A thread
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.