hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
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NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
how to have an accident 101
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult