If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Florida be like…
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
So that’s what we looked like?
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.