closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
You Might Also Like
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
eggs benadryl
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.