*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
You Might Also Like
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Unexpected Judgment
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.