People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
You Might Also Like
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”