This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
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I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.