Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
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if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage