I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
You Might Also Like
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.