H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
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My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation