Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
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A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.