My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
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Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
That took me a moment.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Tony Hawk, age 6
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.