I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
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[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.