Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
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Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.