[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
You Might Also Like
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?