Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
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I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.