mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
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HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
? 💀
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.