Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
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Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
men, we mow at sunrise.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.