It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
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It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.