I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
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Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Cannot stop laughing at this
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…