Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
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who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.