You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
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Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house