When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
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Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
dude it’s called proctologist
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.